
Qass_ 
Book_ 



di 



THE 



HAUNTED INN, 






JL FARCS, 

IjY two ACTi^, 










BOSTON : 

PUBLISHED BY RICHARDSlDN, LORD & HOLBROOK. 

Ib29. 



-« 






13RAMATIS rF:RSONie» 



Captain Levant * - - 

Corporal Trot (his Servant) 
Mr. Gristle (Landlord of the Inn) 
Tommy Tadpole (his Nephew Se. 
Sir Tomkyn Probe - 
Etiquette (a French Jeweller) 
Bluff (a Bailiff) - - - 

John - * - - - 

Coachman - _• - - 

Angelica _ - - - 

Mrs. Gristle - - - ■' 
Jenny Tuft . - - - 



Mr. Jones. 


SimpHoH. 


" MatihCXS, 


. riacid6x 


" Hughes. 


KnighU 


ter) " LisUn. 


Hilsoji* 


" JBcnneti 


Jones. 


" Gattie. 


Williams. 


•' Salter^ 


Povcy. 


" C. Jones. 


itaydcn* 


" Darnlcy. 


May. 


Miss J". Paton. Jtfrs. Cfodc^. 


Mrs. C. Jones. 


JVkeatlcy. 


" Orger. 


Hachctt. 



Sceno in Essox— Time, a Night and Morning, 



THE 



HAUNTED INN. 



ACT I. 

Scene 1. A Road^-A Clump of trees at the back-^ 

Evening, 

Enter Etiquette and Bluff. 2 E, P. S. 

Etiq. Now, now, Monsieur Bluff, I say now, de 
two persons did not go ^dis way. 

Bluff. I tell you I lost sight of them just as we 
got to the top of the hill, only you're so obstinatCj 
Mounseei- Eat-a-cat. 

Etiq. Ah! Eat a-cat! you cannot pronounce, my 
tiame is Etiquette, not Eat-a-cat, Etiquette of the firm 
of Messieurs Etiquette, Bijou & Co. Jewellers, Gold* 
stoit and Wash men. Monsieur Bijou he attend to de 
business, all de fashionable people deal at our ?hop — 
I look after de money concern, by gar I have de most 
work to collect de debt. 

Bluff. You are not a sleeping partner, then. 

Etiq. I get no sleep never, now I come all de way 
from London after de bad customer who has 

Bluff, Who has hopped the twig, and you bring me, 
a respectable sheriff's officer to arrest him ; well, now 
d'ye see, Mounseer, you've been chattering half an 
1* * 



6 THE HAUNTED INN. 

hour, and Captain Levant, who we^re arter, has got the 
start of us. 

Etiq. Dat Captain Levant ! he is in debt over his 
head, I do not know his person, tho' my partner Mon- 
sieur Bijou does to our cost ! mais n^ importe my sa- 
gacite sal find him out, ve have trace him from 
Shelmsford. 

Bluff. Yes, and magging in this way, you may dan- 
gle after hira to the land's end. 

Etiq. Non, non, I guess he is gone to visit Sair 
Tomkyn Probe, de lord of de manor here, because 1 
know Sair Samuel de papa of de Capitainie, and Sair 
Tomkyn vere de friend of de bosom. 

Bluff. Well, well, keep along this road, he's right 
afore us, come along, Mr. Eat-a-cat. 

Etiq. Etiquette ! it is not Eat a-cat, you stupidite, 
donkey, dog, venez done Monsieur Bluff, you are de 
follower, lead de vay, you take dat path, I go dis, vich 
I tink will lead to Sir Tomkyn Probe's house of the 
manor. 

Bluff. Remember you have got the red tail. 

Etiq. Red tail — Eh ! I got de red tail, {feeling his 
pig tail.) 

Bluff. The writ, the writ. 

Etiq. Ah oui, adieu, adieu. 

[Exeunt Etiq. L. H. Bluffs R. H. 

Corporal Thot peeps out from the clump oftrees^ then 
comes forward. 

Corp. All is safe, advance. Captain. 

Capt, ( Without) John Trot. 

Corp. What ? 

Capt. Gone ? 

Corp. Wheeled into the defile, Captain Levant. 



THE HAUNTED INN. 



Enter Captain^ down L. H. from clump. 

Capt. Hush, silence, bawling my name out pub- 
licly when I have cogent reasons to the contrary, just 
at this critical moment when I was hid like king 
Charles at Boscobel, and my pursuers not out of 
hearing. 

Corp. Bless you, Captain, I would not have you ar- 
rested now for fifty pounds. 

Capt. It is more likely that I should be arrested for 
five hundred : Trot, you know nearly all my secrets, 
I have oflfended my father, Sir Samuel, by my extrava- 
gance. 

Corp. Lauk sir ! Extravagance ! your father, Sir 
Samuel Levant is as rich as a Jew, made his money 
among the Turks, traded to Constantinople, Smyrna, 
Tunis, and with the sharks. 

Capt. The sharks ! 

Corp. The Algerines. 

Capt. Well, a partial reconciliation has taken place, 
because I have consented to wed the lady he has 
chosen for me. 

Corp. Going to be married. Sir I 

Capt. Can't say, I have not yet seen the fair one 
by name Angelica ; she is the daughter of Sir Tomkyn 
Probe, to whom my father in his odd way has written 
this : I suppose a letter of recommendation, sealed up. 
1 start from Chelmsford to cross the country to 
Probe Hall. 

Corp. And the bailiffs start after us, that is after 
yoM, Sir. 

Capt. This day's race at Newmarket is my onlj 
chance, I have backed the field against the favourite, 
if it goes wrong I am only deeper in the mire. 



8 THE HAUNTED INN. 

Corp. Mire ! I always thought that betting was 
dirty work, but you know, Sir, Mr. Joshua Nicks is to 
send an express to you from the race ground with the 
result. 

Capt. To Sir Torakyn Probe's, wherever Sir Tom- 
kyn's seat may be, for I really don't know at present 
the residence of my father-in-law. 

Corp. We stand a chance of bivouacking this night 
on the road. Sir. 

Capt. (Looking off.) There they are, as sure as 
fate, the bailiffs, a tall fellow and a short one, 

Corp. No, Sir, no, you are so near sighted. 

Capt. Why he points this way. 

Corp. It's a direction post in company with a mile 
stone. 

Capt. In yonder thicket. Corporal, we will ex- 
chanj;e dresses, you shall strut into my Stultz and I 
will attire myself in your Corporal jacket. Every 
gentleman before he consents to be tied up for life, 
should at least see the object of his affections. 

Corp, My poor father. Sir, who was a higler — 

Capt. Higler ! 

Corp. Yes, Sir, a sort of perambulating poulterer^ he 
used to say to me " John, always look twice before 
you leap." Capital advice of the old cock, warn't it, 
Sir, a little accident obliged rae to abscond from home* 

Capt. A little accident ! 

Corp. Ye?, Sir, the beadle came after me, you un- 
derstand. Sir, cruel case. 

Capt. What do you mean ? 

Corp. They wanted to swear to a terrible falsehood, 
you understand, Sir, they wanted to swear that ray 
father was a grandfather! used a word I never heard 
before, filiation, I think they called it. 



THE HAUNTED INN. 9 

Capt, I will in this disguise, inspect the lady, and 
either with the perils of matrimony, or the bailiffs my 
person will be secure ; allons ! {^Enters the Thicket.) 

Corp. So I am to squeeze into the coat of arms of 
my little master ! I shall go into fits, he had better 
take leg bail to keep him out of the hands of the 
bailiffs, how faithfully I have served him — my reward 
— the old story of monkey's allowance more kicks 
than half-pence — if the Captain had an ounce of grati- 
tude in his Gasometer he'd say, he'd say — 

Capl. {Without.) Trot, you rascal, bring your 
jacket. 

Corp. There I said so. *' Let a gal," as the French 
say, right about face, doff coat and waistcoat — make 
ready to be a dandy : left shoulder, forward march. 

l^Exit after Captain, 

Enter Jenny Tuft, with a basket^ singing. 1 E. L. H. 

Jenny. What a deuce of a way our house is from 
the village shop ; my marketing is all right. Tea, four 
shillings ; pepper, threepence ; lemons, eighteen pence; 
thimble, a penny ; gingerbread for Tommy, a halfpen- 
ny ; poor Tadpole he is over head and ears in love 
with me, to be sure he is not handsome, but beauty is 
but skin deep, and there needn't be beauty on both 
fides. {Corporal sneezes.) What was that ? I wish 
this mystery was cleared up about the ghost : I dread 
bed time, and poor old uncle and aunt lead a terrible 
life with it. 

Capt. (icilhout.) Corporal ! 

Corp. (without.) I am dressing into line. 

Jenny. Voices I 



10 THE HAUNTED INN, 

Rt-enfer Captain in the CarporaPs uniform* 
■ Capl. (Seei7}gJtn7t7/.) What is thai ? 

Corporal tnltrs dressed extfavaganlhf in the Caplairi'a 
fashionable clothes. 

Corp. What? Not a bailiff, Sir, it's a pretty girl. 

Capt. {apart.) Give me niy glass, 1 cannot see a 
yard from my face, {Trot gives eye glass) really a pret- 
ty bit of rusticity. 

Jtnny. A common sojer. 

Capl. 'Pon my life, regular feature?, enamell'd 
teeth, and dimpled cheeks {eying her.) 

Jtnny. It's like your impudence, (-f- to Corporal,,) 
this gentleman will surely protect me. 

Corp. (To Capt.) Corporal, you forget j'ourself, 
{apart) 3'ou see -fine feathers make fine birds — Protect 
you ! {bombastically) Where is the man, the Briton, 
who would not put both his best legs forward to succour, 
cherish and protect helpless and lovely woman. — 
{^iside.) — There's a speech ! I heard that at the play 
house. 

Capt, The swaggering rascal, I shall be presently 
compelled to dust my own coat with the Corporal's 
body in it. Tell me, sweet, is there any house of en- 
tertainment on the road, I'm almos't famished. 

Jenny. You look as if 3'ou were — 

Capt. {^side.) Complimentary ! Egad. 

Jenny. You poor sojers, haven't much money to 
spend, but {turning to the Corporal.,) if the gentle- 
man here wants refreshment — 

Corp. The gentleman certainlj' does, ahem ! 

Jenny. {Aside.) 1 wish it was not so dark ! The 
gentleman is so like ray old sweetheart John Trot : 
my uncle keeps the Sun and Whalebone a top of the 



THE HAUNTED INN. 11 

hi!l. {Aside.) I shanH (ell 'em it's haunted. {To Cot- 
poral.) We can give you a bed room, Sir; the hon.se 
•will be full enonah, for Harlow Bush Fair takes place 
this week. {To Captain.) The sojer here can sleep 
in the hay loft. 

Capl. {Aside.') Can he? The post of honor is a 
private station. 

Jenny. {To Corp.) This way, Sir. {To Captain.) 
Sojer, you can march after us. 

Corp. {Aside.) If I wasn't disgui-ed for master's 
service, I'd ask this girl a question. She's remarkably- 
like, Jenny Tuft, whom I courted four years ago. {Takes 
Jenny^s arm.) 

Capt, Plague take it ! My coat m.ust not supplant 
its master. Pray, Miss, whereabouts is Probe Hall ? 

Jenny. Go up to Clay Lane till you come to Mud- 
dy Corner, which step over, then turn to the left 
through Splashy meadow, when you will arrive at Sink- 
ipe-deep gap. 

Corp. Up Clay Lane, Muddy Corner, tliroiigh 
Splashy meadow to Siak-me-deep gap, my wig, the 
Captain's clothes, 

Capl. {Apart to Corporal.) Deliver this letter to 
Sir Tomkjn, but don't utter a word about your mas- 
ter. {Revioves him from Jenny.) Take the letter, 
firrah ! Give it, but say nothing about me till I arrive, 
till the bailiffs are out of scent. I shall take tip my 
abode with (his pretty la«s at the Sun and WhHli-hone. 

Corp. Yes, and I may wade up to my neck tlirough 
Clay Lr.ne, Muddy corner, Splashy meadow, and Sink- 
nie-deep gap — oh (he bles-ing= of being ncn^commis- 
fioiied. I i-rcfer private life. (Aside.) 



12 THE HAUNTED INN. 

Ready Crash. L. H, 

.Jenny. {To Corporal.') Are. you not going to the 
Sun and Whalebone ? 

Corp. No, mj^ man will see you safe there. {Aside.") 
Very like my Jenny. {To Captain.) No tricks, Cor- 
poral. Ahem ! 

Capl. Good night ! 

Jenny. Good night ! This way, Mr. Sojer. 

\_Exeunt Captain and Jenny. 1 E. R. H. 

Corp. There, there's all the difference between a 
gentleman and his gentleman, he walks off with the 
prize and I n'importe. I'll ^eek my opportunity, she 
spoke of Harlow Bush Fair, I'll beau her to the sports 
and festivities. Country girls love nothing so much as 
a fair, bless 'era the fair sex. Zooks, I love the whim 
and jollity of a country fair myself. [Exit L. H. 

Scene 2. A. rooinin an Inn — Table — chairs — broom. 

Enter Mr. and Mrs. Gristle, in trepidation. R. H. 

Mr. G. Annabella ! 

Mrs. G. Well Euphemias. 

Gris. Didn't you hear a noise ? 

Mrs. Gris. No, Euphy. 

Gris. That's one comfort, we have lived ray beloved 
in the Sun and Whalebone, creditably and happily 
for forty years — but for the last six weeks. 

Mrs. Gris. Yes, ray affectionate. 

Gris. The premises have been tenanted by Satan 
and his imps. {Jl crush icilhouf. L. M,) Bless my 
soul, what was that ? 

Mrs» G. {Looks round.) I breathe again. 

Gris. The spectre. 



THE HAUNTED INN. 13 

jyirs. G. No, the cat has knocked down a tin can- 
dlestick on the tea things. ^ 

Gris, Only the cat I That's one comfort— a 
storm's coming on. 

Mrs. G. We have a roof over our heads, that's 
another. 

Gris. Some unlaid ghost drags a chain all over the 
house, hush ! here's Tommy, don't let us frighten the 
poor lad. 

Mrs. G. There's a sort of melancholy come about 
Tommy Tadpole, lately. 

Tommy sings without. 
'' In glided Marg'teTs grimly ghost," 

Enters 1 E. L. H. 

" And stood at William's feet." 

Gris, For mercy's sake, Tommy, what is the mat- 
ter with you ? 

Tom, Oh, don't ask ! 

Mrs, G. Tommy, by the love you bear me, haven't 
I been a second mother to you ? 

Tom. Most folks think you were my first. 

Gris. Why, I never had any children. 

Tom. Who said you had, Mr. Gristle. 

Mrs. G. Your looks alarm me, Tommy, do you 
know any thing about noises in the night ? 

Tom. Noises in the night ! 

Gris. Aye, Tommy, have you been disturbed in 
bed? 

Tom. Sometimes. I sleep over the stable. 

Mrs. G, But has any thing awoke you in the night? 

Tom, Oh yes. 

Mr. & Mrs. G. {Eagerly.) What ? 

Tom, The little biting chaps. 



14 THE HAUNTED INN. 

Gris. Nothing else ? That's one comfort. 

Tom. Comfort ! Try 'em, and yoxx will have some- 
thing to crack about. 

Oris. The Sun anil Whalebone is haunted, Tom- 
my. 

Tom. Haunted, uncle ! 

Mrt. G, Yes, there's a spectre in chains. 

Gris. Stalks up and down the house. 

Mrs. G. Taps at our bed room door, 

Gris. Groans dismally. 

Mrs. G. Warns us to quit the premises. 

Tom. Oh, pooh, pooh, gammon, Mrs. Gristle. 

Gris. We are on the rack. 

To7n. So is your bacon, but I'll tell you how to 
pave yourselves, and your bacon too, gammon or not. 
If the house is haunted why doj'ou slay in it ? 

Gris. I'll go and consult Mr. Justice Yewtree, our 
clergyman and magistrate. 

Tom. {Aside.) That mustn't be ; he'll discover 
all. Uncle, Mr. Yewtree will fine you five shillings for 
being tipsy, and take away the license from the Sun 
and Whalebone, and then what a mooney you'll look 
like. Ghost, indeed ! I don't believe in ghosts. If 
you are downright afeard, go and live at the cottage 
you bought in the village, and leave Jenny and I to 
nianage the Sun and Whalebone. {Aside.) That's 
coming to the point at once. 

Mrs. G. This is good advice, Euphemias. 

Gris, I can take good advice, that's one comfort, 

Mrs. G. We'll go to supper, that's another. 

Tom. Aunt, make yourself a stiff glass of rum 
punch and 1 will come and help you to drink it. {Exe- 
unt Mr. Sc Mrs. G. L. H.) There they go, a brace 
of superannuated^ old fools. By gosh, I shall frighten 
them out of the house n6w. I've been waiter here seven 



THE HAUNTED INN. 15 

years, and that's waiting quite long enough, I won't 
stand out any longer for the good will of the Sun and 
Whalebone and the good will of Jenny. I know I am 
old Gristle's presump/Mouj hair^ but I want to see the 
name of Tommy Tadpole in the list of licensed wit- 
tiers! {Takes a hook from, his pocket, reads^) "This 
is a true and particular account of that extraordinary 
affair, the Cock Lane Ghost." I've taken a leaf or 
two out of this book ; ^' midnight noises,'' banging of 
doors, " groans, chains." I'll have another go at *em 
this evening, they all believe it. Uncle Gristle is so 
credulous, I once persuaded him that an owl was a 
woodcock. {Looks off.) Jenny comes, I suffers her 
to be frighten'd as well as the rest. 

Enter Jejvxy and Captain. 1 E. R. H. 

Jenny. This is the Sun and Whalebone, young 
man. 

Capt. Thank you, pretty maid. 

Tom, (Aside.) Who is this chap she's so free with ? 
I'll hector over her a bit. Jenny, you good for noth- 
ing creter, what a devil of a time you've davvdled on 
an errand, it is quite indecent and misreprehensible of 
you. 

Jenny, I'm sure, Tommy, I made all the haste I 
could. 

Tom. You know you are a tarraddidling Jenny. 

Capt. {To Torn.) Sir, whoever you may be, a 
temperate tone is considered the most gentlemanly in 
addressing a female. 

Tom. Ha ! but I'm not gentlemanly, and I don't 
want to be gentlemanly. 

Capt. You disarm me, Sir. 

Tom. I see you have not your gun with you. 

Capt. {To Jenny.) Pray, is this wild boar the mastcv 
of the house ? 



16 THE HAUNTED INN. 

Jenny, Wild boar ! No, Mr. Corporal, he is Tom- 
my the waiter. 

Capt. Oh, Tommy the waiter ! 

Jenny, See, I've brought this gingerbread for you. 

Tom, Don't think to allay my t/^ehemence with 
gingerbread. (Takes it.) A gingerbread wife too ! 

Jenny. A gingerbread wife is quite good enough for 
a husband who will always be snapping his wife's nose 
off. [Exit L. H, 

Capt, Waiter! 

Tom, Coming. 

Capt, (^Looking at him through his glass.) A most 
uncouth monster certainly ; the reverse of the Cen- 
taur, the body of a man with the face of a horse. 

Tom. My eye, a Corporal with a quizzing glass. I 
say my good chap, if you're so near sighted how do 
you get through your exercise, eh ? So. {Takes a 
broom for a musket, and a large key for a quizzing 
glass, imitates military exercise.) " Shoulder arms." 
*' Port arms." " Ram down cartridge." "Make ready." 
** Present." " Fire." ha ! ha ! ha ! {Looks through 
the key to see that each evolution is correct.) 

Capt. Entertaining youtli I 

Tom. Ah, that's what Iheyallcalls me. 

Capt. Take your ugly body out of the room, let 
me see 3'our bill of fare; light a fire, draw some ale, 
dust the chairs, lay the cloth, mix a sallad and bring 
me a cigar. {Seats himself on table.) 

Tom. Well ! the Corporal is going it. I'll let him 
down a peg or two — 1 say, my fine fellow, it's a rule in 
this house not to sit on the table, there's a werse o\ner 
the chimley in the Tap Room cautioning all them that 
fringe that way. 

**He who does on the table sit, 
" A pot of ale shall forfe it.'* 



THE HAUNTED INN. 17 

What d'ye think of that ? {Slaps Caplaln's hack.) 

Capt, Think, booby, why I think that if your ale 
isn't better than your poetry, it is cursed flat. 

Tom. Drawn without a head, mayhap! now isn't 
that a good one ? 

Capt, Go and do as I have ordered you, 

Tom. Why you see, master Corporal, there's a 
little circumcoZtttion as to that, our'n is a ready money 
business. We Innkeepers pay our taxes, which you 
are aware pays the ^army and the Prime Ministers and 
the Excisemen their wages. Now you perceive, we 
know that your annual hincome as a sojer is not above 
eighteen pence a day, and a good deal of that goes in 
pipe clay, so you see — 

Captr 1 see nothing but your stupidity. 

Tom,. You see it's as well, Mr. Corporal, (as we li- 
censed wittlers pay our taxes,) that you should just 
show me whether you have any money in your pocket 
or not. 

Capt. Ha! ha! ha! You sordid ideot ; I'll as- 
tonish your avaricious eyes. (Aside.) Why, fury, 
the Corporal has gone with my purse when we changed 
clothes ! 1 havenH a stiver. 

Tom. Ah I I thought so ! not a rap. 

Capt. You will receive one in a minute if you do 
not lay the cloth. 

Tom. Ha ! ha ! ha ! What's the use of laying the 
cloth, there will be no eating to-night — dare say you 
are hungry enough 1 ha ! ha ! ha ! Come, bundle. 

Capt. Harkye, what's your name ? 
Tom. Mister Tadpole, to you, gentlemen, who 
pays their way, call me Tommy, be off! trudge! 

Capt. But common humanity. 

Tom. Stuff, I was clerk to the overseer of the poor 
last quarter, ^nd I don't know what common humani- 
ty is. 

2* 



18 - THE HAUNTED INN. 

Capt, But I can write to a friend who will remit me 
money, get me paper, pen and ink. 

Tom. Well, the Sun and Whalebone won't be much 
out of pocket by that. (X /o ^0 I'll !=tand the sprat 
to cotch (he herring. Jenn}^, half a quarter of a sheet 
of paper! There's no ink in the bottle, but I'll bring 
you a little mushroom ketchup ! Why, he's never a 
pen — if you'd a quill j^ou could make a pen ? The old 
goose has just gone into her pen, I'll give her a twitch 
and bring you a quill in a moment. 

[Exit R. H, 

Capt. Agreeable incident! A leader of the ton, an 
exclusive, the delight of all parties, the favorite of the 
ladies, in a beggarly hedge inn without a halfpenny. 

Enter Jenny. L. H. with Mug. 

Jenny. Tommy is gone out, I'll venture, Mr. Cor- 
poral, you have had a long walk, perhaps this will be 
acceptable. (^Offers mug.') 

Capt. You're a beauteous Hebe offering Nectar to 
an exceedingly thirsty Mars. 

Jenny. I don't know what you mean, but it is ale. 

Re-enter Tommy with a quill., unseen by them, 

Capt. Your health, my Euphrosyne ! my Bac- 
chante I 

Tom,. {Aside.) What does he say about bis back. 
I say, sojer, come, none of that — mind what you are 
talking to the young woman about your back, and you. 
Miss Jenny, walk off, an't 3'ou asham'd of yourself; 
ugh, fie ! V/hat, at your old tricks with the sojers, 
before I made up to you, 3'ou had a sojer for a swan. 

Jenny. Swan ! 

Tom. Swan, or swain, one Mr. Joj^n Trot, who 
most likely is shot. 



• THE HAUNTED INN. 19 

Jenny. Perhaps not, come Mr. Tadpole, you haven't 
got your gingerbread wife to deal with. ( Exit L. H, 

Capt. {Aside.') Tadpole is jealous ; uncommonly 
pretty girl that. 

Tom. Handsome is as handsome does. 

Capt. She will make an excellent wife to the man 
who is fortunate enough to gain her affections. 

Tom, Do you think so, sojer 1 Pll tell you a secret, 
she and I are going to be united in oly wedlock. 

Capt. Lucky dog ! And you intend to keep this 
snug inn. 

Tom. That's as it may happen. 

Ready Storm. 

Capt, Fancy the beauteous Jenny seated in the bar 
on market day dispensing her favors to drovers, gra- 
ziers, malsters, hedgers, ditchers and pig jobbers. 

Tom. Well. 

Capt. The delicate privacy of the situation for one's 
wife, with a leer from one, a wink from a secoiid, a 
coarse compliment from a third, a sly kiss from a — 

Tom. What did you say ? 

Capt. A sly kiss, she has the prettiest lip. 

Tom. Why Mrs. Gristle has set mixii;g here these 
forty years and nobody kisses her. 

Capt. Mrs. Gristle might sit for forty years more, 
and no one would salute her but her husband. 

Tom. No one ought, what is connubial bliss if any 
one is invidiously to perforate it. 

Capt. No one can withstand Mrs. Tadpole ; Jen- 
ny's a tempter. 

Tom. Jenny a tempter, the prettiest lip for a kiss, 
pig jobbers. (Aside. Calls o£\ L.) Jenny, go to 
bed ; coarse compliments ; leering ditches; Mrs. Tad- 
pole, Sojer, when you've scrawled your scrawl. 



20 THE HAUNTED tNN* 

march— kissing. I'll draw this corporal a pint of souf 
beer, from the verdigrease tap ! Jenny, you tempter, 
go to bed. lExit L. H, 

Capt. Ha! ha! ha! Well, I must turn out, trudge 
all night, or sleep under a hay stack ! Hungry too ! 
At this very moment I have an engagement to eat 
deviPd pheasant and drink Champaign punch at the 
Clarendon. 

Enter Mr. Gristle in his night cap, L. H. 

Capt, Is this old gentleman walking in his sleep ? 

Storm without. 

Oris, You hear the rain and the thunder, don't 
you? 

Capt. . D'ye think I am deaf? 

Gris. Will not a good fire, a hot supper, and a dry 
roof be more agreeable than turning out in the wet. 

Capt. Who makes your night caps ? 

Gris. Who ? Why Annabella, that's one comfort, 

Capt. Annabella ? 

Gris. Annabella comes this way. 

Capt. (^Aside.') Annabella! Oh! some smart con- 
descending cousin, {Enter Mrs. G. in night cap.) 
Mother Shipton, by all that's marvellous. 

Mrs. G. Euphemius, Euphemius ! 

Capt. {Aside.) Conjuring ! uttering maledictions 
— anathema — pray Goody, by what names do you call 
your spirits ? 

Mrs. G. Old Tom Hodge's host and peppermint. 

Gris. You must know that we suspect, but we 
hope it isn't so — but we have reason to apprehend that 
it is supposed, but there's no certain proof to the con- 
trary yet. 



THE HAUNTED INN. 21 

Capt. What the devil is it, good folks, any murder 
committed ? 

Gris. It may have been, M'ill you on the conditions 
of supper and fire, consent to sit up till day light in 
yonder room ? The fact is a Ghost, 

Capt. Oh ! a ghost ! Is that all ? I beg his ghost- 
ship's pardon, certainly, my compliments, I shall be 
happy to see him. 

Mrs. G. (^Shudders ) Happy to see him. 

Gris. Settle the business at once. (^Calls.) Jenny, 
light the Corporal up stairs, the cloth shall be laid. 

Capt. And after supper the ghost shall be laid. 

Enter Jenny with a candle. 

Gris. Take the Corporal into No. 3, on the stair- 
case. 

Jenny. Mum, No. 3, the haunted room on the stair- 
case. 

Capt. Yes, my dear, like Don Giovanni, 1 am going 
to sup with the ghost. 

Mrs. G. Jenny, go quick. 

Jenny. Yes, ye, yes, aunt, I won't go alone ; come 
Mr. soldier, let me take care of you. (^Taking hold of 
his arm.') 

Capt. Good night, Euphemius — Fare thee well, An- 
nabella, Shipton I Come along, little Candelabra, ha ! 
ha ! ha ! [^Exeunt Jenny and Capt. L. H. 

Storm. 

[Exeunt Mr. & Mrs. G. L. H. 

Scene 3. — ^ room — in the room across the back is a 
gallery^ with several doors leading to other apart- 
ments — A stair case from the gallery to the stage. 



22 THE HAUNTED INN. 



Captain at a table — Jenny arranging, 

Jenny. Oh, didn't you hear a noise ? 

Capt. Cats, my dear, cats, mere midnight orgies ; 
you don't call (his a room, pretty lass ? It's a sort of 
landing place. 

Jenny. Vm so frightened I don't know what it is, 
but here you are to sit all night. {Jlside,') If you are 
not flown away "With. 

Capt. Then we'll have this table a little more out 
of the current of air. {They bring it forward.') Why 
are you so alarmed ? I shall not hurt you. 

Jenny. Lauk, Mr. Corporal, I'm not afear^d of you. 

Capt. You are a devilish pretty girl, Jennj'. 

Jenny. Ye, yes, Sir, {Jlpart.') At twelve o^clock 
it will stalk across that gallery. 

Capt. A raw head and bloody bone^. 

Jenny. Ugh ! for mercy's sake. 

Capt. Why Jenriy, how your little heart beats, 
what ! frightened— collect yourself — 1 never saw but 
one ghost in my life. 

Jenny. Ah ! where was that ? 

Capt. The ghost in. Hamlet. 

Jenny. And isn't this a Hamlet — oh {Thunder) 
goodness see there — a light. 

Capt. Where? 

Jenny. There ! {Falls into Captain^s arms over- 
come with terror. J\lr. and Mrs. Gristle cross the gal- 
lery with candle from L. to R. in their night dresses. 

Mrs. G, Come, Euphemius. 

Ready ^ clock 12. 

Capt. Mother Shipton in deshabille. 

Gris. The soldier is there, that's one comfort. 



THE HAUNTED INN. 23 

Capt. Ccme, come, JenTiy, its only your uncle 
Eephemius and your aunt Annabella. 

Mrs. G. Jenny, go to bed. 

Jenny, Yes, aunt, ah aunt, ours is but a hamlet — 
and the Corporal has seen a ghost too in his hamlet. 
(^Ascends stairs^ enters a door. Mr. Sc Mrs. G. go into 
another door on the gallery^ bidding '•* Good night.''' 

Capt, Good night, lassie, that girl is too pretty for 
Mr. Tadpole. (Seats himself.) And now his serene 
highness the spectre may appear as soon as convenient. 
(^Lights a cigar.) I suppose Sir Tomkyn Probe has 
furnished Corporal Trot with rations and quarters, 
thanks to the perturbation of the Gristles, I have ob- 
tained a night's lodging and can puff my cigar at ease. 
(V Clock strikes 12.) 

" Now is the very witching time of night, 
*^ When church yards yawn." 
Captain Levant, my good fellow, you must ^reform, 
discard dissipation, avoid hazard, cut Newmarket, and 
pay your tailor. {Attempts to snuff candle and puts it 
out.) Confusion, I have snuffed my solitary candle 
out, here's a commence, if I could find my way up 
that stair case to mother Sliipton's room. (A. rattling 
of chains withouf.) What's that ? the cart horses 
coming to bed ? A light appears. (Tommy attired 
fantastically as a ghost,, a lantern in his hand and drag' 
ging heavy chains^ appears in the gallery. 

Capt. Ha ! the spectre. (Conceals behind table.) 
A frightful object truly, it's lips move, what denuncia- 
tion is it about to utter? 

Tom.. Somebody been smoking, there's a smell of 
fresh bacca. 

Capt. This is an olfactory spirit. 

I'om. There goes a Morgan rattler. (Shakes chains.) 
Now for a groan from the kitchen to the garret. — 
(Groans and coughs.) 



24 THE HAUNTED INN. 

Capt. I never heard of a ghost with a cough. 

Tom. Curse the cough, it's the bacca. (Rattles the 
chains and clears his voice. Mrs. G. screams within, 

Tom. Ahem I I'm the ghost of Mr. Jerry Abershaw, 
I am hanged in chains. 

Capt. You lying rascal. 

Tom. Quit these premises. 

Gris. (Within.) Mercy, good spectre. 

Tom,. Or I'll haunt you ' evermore and be cursed 
to you. 

Capt. Here's a scoundrel. 

Tom. Now I've done my job. (Crosses gallery, 
comes down the stairs with the chain rattling after him,.) 
Jenny has been in a pretty pucker, never mind, poor 
thing, the old folks will bundle to-morrow — I shall be 
landlord, and won't I have a merry time on't. 

Capt, (In a hollow voice.) Beware ! 

Tom,, What the devil was that ? a voice ? 

Capt. Oh Tadpole, Tadpole, Tommy Tadpole ! 

Tom. What's that. (Trembles.) I don't believe 
in 'em. 

. Capt. Repent your sins ! '^ The hour is almost 
come." 

Tom. What's o'clock ? 

Capt. " When you to sulphureous and tormenting 
flames must render up yourself." 

Tom. Oh help ! murder ! they're all too frightened 
in their beds to help me, here's a real ghost, and I, sin- 
ful wretch, have been a mocking. (Falls on his knees.) 
I did'nt believe in 'em before — oh good spectre, go 
back. 

Capt. Go back ! Where ? 

Tom, To Cock Lane. 

Capt. (Collars and shakes him,.) You ungrateful 
villain, is this the way you repay the kindness of your 
relations and pretty Jenny ? 



THE HAUNTED INN. 25 

Tom. By gosh, it's the Corporal, I thought you had 
left the house. 

Capt. This prank shall cost you something. Hallo ! 

Tom. Hush ! silence ! don't bring out the Gristles 
with your bawling, and you shall go snacks, promise 
you won't tell them to-night and I'll give you rum 
enough to float your cartridge box in, to-morrow 
morning. 

Capt. Up scoundrel, up ! Come forth Euphemius, 
come forth, Annabella ! The ghost is laid, the ghost is 
laid. {Mr. &c Mrs. G. and Jexnt put their heads out 
at the doors with lights^ screaming.^ 

Capt. Away, hideous spectre, away. {Canes Tom- 
my.) 

Tom. Oh don't, I give up the ghost, I give up the 
ghost. 

Capt. Gorgon, avaunt I {Beats him up the stairs 
across the gallery., exclaiming) '' Victoria," " Victoria," 
{the females continue to scream.) 

Act drop falls rapidly, 

END 01" ACT FIRST. 



ACT 11.— Scene 1. 

Jin apartment at Probe Hall, breakfast on table, Sir 
Tomkyn Probe discovered, John in waiting. 

Sir T. At what hour did the gentleman arrive last 
night ? 

John. Between eleven and twelve, Sir, and accord- 
ing to your directions, the housekeeper showed the 
gentleman to bed in The Taffeta chamber. 

Sir T. {Apart, taking up letter.) This from Sir 
Samuel is a mere introduction of his son Captain Le- 
3 



26 THE HAUNTED INN. 

vant — formal enough — not so explicit as the prior let- 
ter marked "private'' which is here, bearing the Wor- 
cester post mark. !s the Captain stirring ? 

John. Sir ? 

Sir T. The Captain, the gentleman that came last 
night. 

John. Oh yes, Sir, got up as soon as it was light. 

Sir T. Earlj- mililary habits. 

John, Seems an odd sort of gentleman, Sir. 

Sir T. How ? 

John. Notwithstanding his fine clothes, he insisted 
on cleaning his own boots, Sir. 

Sir T. Strange I 

John, Instead of using his dressing stand, he went 
and washed his face at the pump. 

Sir T. Wi.ry extr^ordinarj^, see if Miss Angelica is 
in the garden. {Exit John., Centre.) Can there be 
any mistake ? (Looks at letter) — " Pernjit me, my dear 
friend, to introduce herewitli, my son, Captain Levant, 
to you." That is the pith of the letter the Captain 
brought last night — (Takes up the ol her)— {his is the 
one his father. Sir Samuel Levant, sends to me by the 
post, from VVoroester. " By this time you will have 
received under your hospitable roof my son. I will not 
conceal from you that he is thoughtless and eccentric." 
Ha ! cleaning his own boots for that ! "His prevailing 
passion is an ardent love of tfie Turf," ha ! rubbing 
down the horses for that ! (Reads) " Should Captain 
Levant be fortunate enough to make a favorable im- 
pression on "your fair daughter, the sooner we can 
steady him by so advantageous a match for all parties 
the better." 

Enter „^ngeUca unth a rose, centre. 

^ing. Good moriiing, (lapa, I have discoverrd the 
most b.autiuj! i'rovence rose, (l-'laces it in his coat.) 



THE HAUNTED INN. 27 

Sir T. Thank you, my dear. 

»ying. Williams tells me a strane;er arrived last night 
after we relirtd. 

Sir T. A slrnnger, my love, %vho I hope will not 
]oiig continue so, this letter, of which the stranger was 
the bearer, will explain. {Gives hlter.) 

*^rtg. Captain Levant arrived. 

Sir T. Whom I trust you will look upon with a 
view to your future happiness, the estate is magnifi- 
cent, Angelica. 

Jlng. I shall endeavour at all times to meet the 
wishes of the best of fathers, but I cannot promise to 
like one I have never seen. 

Sir T. My love, he is a hie^hly educated person. 
{Calls John. Enter John^ L. H.) Where is Captain 
Levant ? 

John. In the coach house. Sir. 

Sir T. In the coach house I Admiring the new ba- 
rouche, I suppose? 

John. No Sir, he's playing at pitch and hustle with 
little Bob the postillion. 

Sir T. Confusion ! did you tell him breakfast was 
ready. 

John. Yes, Sir, but he said if it made no odds to 
you he'd rather get his breakfast in the servant's hall. 

Sir T. fnej^plicable ! request him to join us imme- 
diately. {Exit John, L. H.) 

Jlng. What does this portend ? 

Sir T. Mere modern eccentricity, my dear, the 
young gentlemen of the present age pride themselves 
on their eccentricities, and I presume Captain Levant 
is a first rate specimen of the genu?. 

John. {Without.) This wa}-^, Sir. 

Co rj oral {Without.') What, up stairs ? 

Sir T. Now, my pretty Angelica, if there should 



28 THE HAUNTED INN. 

be a little oddity in the son of my valued friend, Sir 
Samnel Levant, do not let the early impression preju- 
dice you. 

Enter Corporal^ L. H. in his hand a horse'^s bridle^ 
and head harness and blinkers which he is rubbing ; 
Sings, 

" Mr. Simpkins liv'd at Leeds, 
And he had a wife beside, 
Who as she wore the breeches, 
She often wishM to ride." 

(Sees Sir T.) This is Sir Tomkyn and his filly, I 
suppose. 

Sir T. Extraordinary looking person ; 1 am exceed- 
ingly happy to see you at Probe Hall, my good Sir— 
what are you amusing yourself wi<h ? 

Corp. Cleaning up this curb a bit. Sir. 

Sir T. A bit ? 

Corp. Yes Sir, here's a bit and a curb too. 

Sir T. Put them away for the present — my daugh- 
ter. {^Angelica curtsies and goes to table.) You are 
very like your father, Sir, rather taller. 

Corp. Your honor has seen my father lately then ? 

Sir T. Your honor! a joke my dear. Eccentric. 
(To Angelica.) 

Corp. (Aside.) I'm so glad he knoAvs my father, 
I wonder where he became acquainted with the old 
poulterer. 

Sir T. Are you aware that I have received a letter 
from your father. 

Corp. (Aside.) A letter ! my father can't write. 

Sir T, Of a very marked character. 

Corp. That might be. (Aside.) Father does make 
his mark. 



THE HAUNTED INN. 29 

Sir T. Your father i? a warm old gentleman. 

Cur p. Yes lie h {Asideym the sunirner time. 

Sir T. He picked up a good thing in the Turkey 
trade. 

Corp. Yes Sir, turkey trade answered very well 
(^asicW) at Chrij-trnas time. 

Sir T. When in business I recollect he kept a 
large .account in the Poultry. 

Corp. Yes Sir, great dealings in the poultry, (./3iic?e) 
and in sucking pigs too. 

Sir T. Come, my dear Sir, we can dispense with 
your affected rusticity ; Sir Samuel's introduction is 
quite sufficient to ensure you a welcome ; your hand ? 

Corp. IsnH it taking a liberty with your honor ? 

Sir T. You are a most facetious person. A piece 
of advice I would offtr, perhaps prematurely. The 
ladifcs prefer a man of sentiaient and gravity to a Ka- 
biluul jester — a hint. 

Corp. {Aside ) What the devil does he mean ? 

Aug. The breakfast, papa. 

Sir T. (^To Corp.) The breakfast is ready. 

Corp. Then I'll humbly take my leave. (^Going.) 

Sir T. jMy dear Sir, why do y.ou think of quitting 
the room ? 

Corp. I've no objection to see my horse take his 
feed, because vvhy, poor creter, he can't be cheated, 
but 1 don't hold it polite to see your honor, a barrow 
knight, eating \m breakfast. {Going.) 

Sir T. My good young friend, I cannot comprehend 
you. Sit you there, and my daughter will be most 
happy to pour out your tea. {Corporal sits R. II. 
with an embarrassed air.) 

Corp. Young madam is very good. {Aside.) If 
they make so much of me, what will they make of the 
Captain ? 

3* 



32 THE HAUNTED INN. 

(^Rises in an ardor of description.) down came the 
Curassiers ! We charged Ihem. (Runs knift inlo 
ham.) The artillery was admirably swerved, bom, bom, 
bom. {Throws egg shells and rolis.) Forward ! and 
forward we went, pell raell they went r'jiht and left. 
*' Forward !" was the cry, we overturn'd every thing, 
{Knocks the urn over.) Mercy, Madam, I hope you 
are not scalded. 

jing. This person is deranged. 

Corp. 1 was wounded in the arm, Mis?, VW shew 
you, {Preparing to take off his coat.) See here, Miss ? 

»^ng. I assure you, Sir, I have no wish. 

Corp. It's not the least trouble. {Pulling off coat.) 

Ang. There's no bearing thi« — the most outre and 
ill bred person, I ever met in all my life. 

lExit hastily L. H. 

Corp. Oh, oh, yes, 1 see, my linen is a little worse 
for wear. {Puis on coal.) Well, all this is comical, 
they put me in a bed last night large enough to hold 
my father and mother, my uncles and aunts, and all 
the rest of my family ; I could hardly find my way 
out tljis morning, I was obliged to debouche at the 
foot. I wonder how master gets on at the Sun and 
Whalebone, he told me not to say who I was till he 
came here, now the nobs are gone, I'll peck a bit. — 
{Sits centre at table ) 

Enter Sir Tomktn. L, H. 

Sir T. {..Qpart.) This Frenchman turns out to be 
a creditor in pursuit of the Captain here. Pray I did 
you expect any person to follow you here ? 

Corp. Oh yes Sir. {Aside.) I expect master 
every minute. 

Sir T. How was it possible he could trace you ? 

Corp. I'll tell you, but it isn't manners to speak 
with my mouth fuL 



THE HAUNTED INN. 33 

Sir T. I must at once apprize you of your danger. 

Corp. Daoirer ! 

Sir T. They are in pursuit of you. 

Corp. I havenH deserted, I've got my furlough in 
my pocket. {Jlside ) No, 1 ha^'en't, curse my gen- 
tleman's coat — the captain has it. 

Sir T. Of what avail will your furlough be, they 
are in pursuit of you, I say. 

Corp. (^^side ) It is that curst fiUiation business 
but they shan't father their sins on me. (To Sir T.) 
Is it the beadle ? 

Sir T. No, a bailiff. 

Corp, Bailiff! Oh ! ha I ha ! ha! he I he! he! ex- 
cuse my laughing. Sir Tomkyn. 

Sir T. Cease this ill-timed levity, I am endeavour- 
ing at this moment to gain time by amusing the bailiff 
below. 

Enler ExiauETTE unobserved, centre, 

Corp. The best amusement for a bailiff is hunting. 

Sir T. His enquiry whether you were in the house 
evidently embarrassed me. 

Corp. Psha^ tell him at once, the Captain is not 
here. 

Etiq. (^Aside.") Ah, dat vil not do for me. 

Corp. You are not tip to this business — don't you 
see I am not the Captain ? 

Sir T. Alas ! what a father, and what a son ! 

Etiq. Bluff de Bailiff is avay ! dey sal tink I am 
de sheriff's officer — 1 have got de writ. {Advances.') 
Monseigneur milles pardons, mais, {laps CorporaVs 
shoulder gracefully^ shelving a writ) vous etes mon pris- 
onneur ! 

Corp. Taken prisoner by a Frenchman ! hang it! 



34 THE HAUNTED INN. 

(^Tucks up his cuffs.) Monnseer, yon and I mu>f have 
a little bout — Come on. {Squares at Kliqwllt.) 

Sir T. 1 forbid a piisjilistic encoutitt r, Ca|)lain, ynxx 
are lo?t forever it) my estimation. 

Corp. I tell you F am not Ca^tlairi LevHnt. 

Eiiq. Pardou Mons^itur — Sair Tonjkyn i« de be?t 
proof. I am ver sory, you must come to de locket up 
house, Shelmsford jail. 

Sir T. No jail, no, no, bad as he appears he is the 
son of nay old friend ; hark'ye n)onfienr. 

Etiq. Avec grand plaisir, mon?eigneur! 

Sir T. If I was to bail, what is the amount of the 
debt ? 

Corp. Sir Tomkyn, don't let that French fellow do 
you out of any thing. You shan't pay a farthiing, Sir 
Tomkyn, I don't owe sixpence in the world — because 
why, nobody will trust me. 

Sir T. Insufferable ! Farewell, Sir. [Exit L. 

Etiq, Allons done ! 

Corp. London ! I thought you said you were going 
to Chelmsford. {Calls off.) Good bye. Sir Tomkyn, 
come you French spider and you'll find that you have 
the wrong fly in your web. Beware laying hands on 
me! If you don't understand that in English lean 
gpeak French to yon. " Attendez Mounseer — Je vous 
donnerai un grand Trap sur votre tete bring up both 
votre yeux — and joue hell and Tommy avec vous for a 
month to come, so prenez garde. 

[Exeunt D. in F. 

Scene 2. — v3 room in the Inn. 

Enter Tommy, R.H. 

Tom. Oh my back, he caned me from my ears to 
my saddle ! gosh 1 what a larrupping he gave me ! I've 



THE HAUNTED INN. 35 

done with ghost-esses and specterizing, I'm no longer 
hard hearted. Pm beaten till I'(n tender — the Corpo- 
ral hasn't peachM, I tlsiiik the Gristles are frightened 
out thoiigh. {Enter Mr. Gristle with luggage^ Src. L, 
H.) Wliat is the matter, uncle Gristle ? 

Gris. Don't ask ! yotir aunt has gone to the white 
cotfane and will never come into this house again. 
Here are the keys, Jenny and you must manage the 
Sun and Whalebone as well as you can. * 

Captain. {Without. R, H.) Any body inquired 
for nie ? 

Gris. Ah that soldier, brings last night's horrors to 
my recollection. 

Tom. {Jlside.^ So he does to mine. 

Enter Captain, R. H. 

Capf. {Apart.) I am getting anxious for the ex- 
press from Newmarket to ascertain hotv the race has 
gone — Well, old gentleman, any return of the ghost ? 

Tom. Hush I be quiet — Rum ! 

Capl. My dear Tadpole, you should have been 
present to have seen how I caned the spirit ; he'll 
remember the Corporal. 

Tom. {Aside.) Curse you and your Corporal 
punishment. 

Capt. The spectre will remember the two stripes 
on wy arm. 

Tom. {Aside ) I can't forget the hundred and 
two on my back. 

Gris. Well, good bye. Tommy, be an honest lad, 
never attempt to deceive me, or I have it in my power 
to cut you off with a sliilliug. [Exit. R. H. 

Capt. A lei«son to pos(prit3\ 

Tom. L( sson to posterity, so if ever the old gen- 
tleman finds out my deception, he will cut my posteri- 



36 THE HAUNTED INN. 

ty off with a shilling — he is gone, tol, lol, de rol, lol 
Now I am landlord of the Sun and Wht^lebone. (^^side.^ 
I wish that cursed Corporal would march, though. 

Capt. So Mr. Tadpole, this is now j'our concern. ^ 

Tom. Yes, sojer, yes, I'm a licensed wktler at last' 

Capt. You are a happy fellow. 

Tom, That depends on my Jenny. 

Capt. And a little on me. 

Tom. Eh ! how ? 

Capt. Your uncle has just said, that if ever he* 
finds you out in the attempt of deceiving him, you will', 
not only be ejected from the house, but from his will. 

Tom. He said so, but what of that? 

Capt. Then I make the Sun and Whalebone my 
free quarters, as long as you are landlord. 

Tom. What! I dare say indeed. 

Capt. I will be your first customer Tadpole, yoa 
know I have not a penny, but I will stick to you as 
firmly as the old man of the sea stuck to Sinbad the 
sailor. 

Tom. Well, I suppose you are joking, Mr. Corpo- 
ral. 

Capt, You will find it a bad joke for you. Mr, 
Tadpole, who is the nearest magistrate iiere ? 

Tom. Magistrate ! Mr. Yewtree at the Priory. 
Why ? 

Capt. Only in that case, 1 should have to make an 
oath before him, as to the means by which you have 
got possession of these premises. 

Tom. Eh! why you wouldn't think of such a,' 
thing, would you ? 

Capt. To be sure it might turn out something like 
transportation for the oflTender, or a swing in the open 
air with your friend Mr. Jerrj' Abershaw. 

Tom. Bless my soul and body, you donH say so. 



THE HAUNTED INN. 37 

Capt. {X (0 R. H.) Which is the road to Mr. 
iTewtree's ? 

Tom. {Holding him,) Staj', Corporal, don't think 
ai blowing me, you can't be so unfeeling. 

Capt. Where was your feeling, you fat ugly rascal, 
when for weeks past you have disturbed the repose of 
the whole family. 

Tom. Think of the larruping you gave me ! IMl 
make you a present of five and sixpence, and a 'bacca 
box, if you'll go away and say nothing, pray go. 

Capt. No. 

Tom, Stay, then, eat and drink {Aside.) and 
choke ; here's a pretty kettle offish — Jenny comes as 
merry as a grasshopper. 

, Enter Jenny, R. H. 

Jenny. So, Tommy, you are master now, and I am 
mistress, delicious ! as things are alter'd, I think Mr. 
Tadpole, as we're come to the property, one ought to 
go a little genteeler. 

Tom. There 3-ou go, the first thing that runs in a 
woman''s head is dress. 

Jenny. Mrs, Twiggler, the travelling milliner, is in 
the parlour. 

Tom. Well, what of that ? 

Jenny. She has the svreetest cap, the prettiest bon- 
net, and such a love of a riding habit — 1 long for them. 

Tom. I'll trouble you not to begin longing, Jenny. 

Jenny. I'm sure you ought to afiford to see your fu- 
ture partner in life looking decent. 

Tom. I hope you will look decent, and beware of 
the pig jobbers. {Winking at Capt.) Eh, Corporal ! 

Jenny. But I want, really want the articles. 

Tom, Want ! you've more wants than the Times 
4 



38 THE HAUNTED LNN. 

newspaper, and theyVe two columns of 'em — I shan': 
give you any thing, and that's flat. 

Capf. {Aside.) I must interfere ! Tadpole! go U 
Mrs. Twiggle, my good fellow, buy the bonnet, the 
cap, and the riding habit, and present them to prettj 
Jenny. 

Tom. U I do, I'll be— 

Capt. You won't, very well — across the field leads 
to Mr. Justice Yewtree's. {Going.) 

Tom. Ugh I Curse you, (Calls off.) here, Mrs, 
Twiggle, shew us your crinkum crankums. {Exit R.) 

Capt. Tommy is so sweet tempered, he will refuse 
me nothing. 

Jenny. Dear Mr. Corporal, have you killed the 
ghost ? 

Capt. Yes, and sent it to be pickled in the Red 
Sea : {Gazes at her. Re-enter Tommy, with the bon- 
net on his head, cap and habit in his hand.) 

Capt. How 1 love her innocence. 

Tom. Loves her innocence, pretty innocence it 
will be. 

Capt. One ki?s, Jenny, for killing the ghost. 

Jenny. {Hangs her head.) There's no harm in a 
kiss. {Captain kisses her.) 

Tom. {comes between them.) Ahem! here's the 
things from Mrs. Twiggler's. 

Jenny. Oh, you dear Tommy. 

Tom. Dear Jezabel, oh Jenny, you're a Hadder in 
my bussum. 

Capt. No, no, she will be an adder to your com- 
forts, forgive him, Jenny. 

Jenny. {Offering her hand.) Tommy. 

Tom. I'm like a Tom Tit on a bird lime twig. Come 
here, Jenny — grinning rascal. {Shakes hands.) There, 



THE HAUxNTED INN. 39 

run away and enjoy your finery, you little cock- a too, 
you. 

Jtnny. Thank'ye Tommy. \_Exit^ L. II. 

ToM3iT in meditation^ Captaiiv slaps him on (he back. 

Capt. Come, my joyous Tadpole, you have not 
time to be thoughtful. Be alive, roast some ducks, 
boil some fowl?, grill some pigeons, and deril some 
biscuits, go to the cellar and bring iialf a dozen of the 
best wine, I'm liberal in my orders, tho' I have not 
sixpence. 

Tom. Ducks, wine, indeed — I'm ruined, involved 
like a blue bottle in Treacle, I'll try and frighten hira 
by a fixed and determined look. {Puts his hands in 
his pockets and stares at Captain.) Do you notice the 
expression of my face ? 

Capt, It is beyond all expression, a little sage and 
onions with the ducks, I'adpole ! 

Tom. (^Calls off.) Jenny, where did you put^ the 
ratsbane I brought home t'other day ? 

Capt. Ratsbane ! 

Tom. U I should in the anxiety and the agitation 
in which you put me, spill some of the ratsbane into 
the duck's gravy, lauk a'mercy on those that eat it. 

Capt. '« A weak invention of the enemy," what, 
add murder to robbery ? Mark me, sirrah ! 

Tom. Yes, don't be passionate. 

Capt. A good dinner, the best wine, none of your 
red ink ! All these with civility, or you know what 
will happen, you are in my power. Ha ! ha ! ha 1 

[Exit, R. H, 

Tom. I know I'm in j-our power, but I can't ha ! 
ha I ha! afterv,'ards — what a feller, even pisen won't 
frighten him. Til try and 'tice him out in the yard and 
shove him down the well. [^Exit, R. H. 



40 THE HAUNTED INN. 

ScEXE 3d. — ^Another room in the Inn — Corporal 
seated with a pipe^ ExiauETTE pulling the Bell, 

Etiq. Vy dey no come ! ver odd, de Capitaine 
should smoke de vulgar pipe. {Rings.) Dis a house 
of entertainment ? 

{Voices ivithin.) "Landlord." 

Corp. I think it is a house of call — I am certain 
the pretty girl in the bar is mj own Jenny Tuft. 

Enter Tommy with a Newspaper.^ R. H. 

Etiq. Are you de vaiter ? 

To7n, No, the landlord. 

Etiq, Bring a post chaise. 

Tom. Post chaise ? 

Etiq, Oui, post chaise to go ver fast, avec quatre 
chevaux. 

Tom» I don't understand gibberish. 

Etiq, Quatre chevaux. Post chaise, vid quatre 
horses. 

Tom. A post chaise with cart horses ? Do you think 
you will go any faster for that ? 

Etiq. Oui, vite, vite, allez vous en, I must get to 
Shelmsford tout suite. 

Tom. Sweet ! no one wants to prevent your going 
to Chelmsford, sweet! {Gives newspaper to Corporal.) 
Look at the County Chronicle, sir ? 

{Voices without.) " Landlord." 

Tom. Ther6"'s the pig jobbers again, and dash it, a 
fellow staring at Jenny like a cod fish. I must inves- 
tigate my prerogative. [^Exit R. 



THE HAUNTED INN. 41 

£n/er Captain, laughing, R. H. 
Capt. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Lynx-eyed Tommy watches 
Jenny closely ! Hey, the Corporal I 
Trot shakes his head significantly and affects to read. 
Capt. Won't speak, some mo<ive. I wonder who 
this respectable old gentleman i- ? (To Corp.) What 
is the news, sir ? 

Corp. Here's the ship news, sir. (Reads.) "The 
Dragon Cutter, commanded by John Trot, was board- 
ed and captured by a vessel under foreign colors. The 
foreigner had been known as a pirate, and was in chase 
of another Cutter, the Captain of which was fortunate 
enough to keep out of the way." 

Capt. Very interesting! {Aside.) Cunning rascal I 
Yonder then is the bailiif, and Trot in my clothes is 
arrested for me. Ha! ha! ha! 

Etiq. Ah, Monsieur Capitaine, you read de news 
encore s'il vous plait to pass de time. 

Corp. ''That remarkably fine frigate, the Angelica, 
is not at present manned." 
Capt. ^ Ah ! 

Corp. {Reads.) " For beauty she is pre-eminent ; 
she is in perfect sailing order, though her Captain has 
not yet joined her." 

Etiq. {Rings bell.) Diable ! de chaise — vere he is. 

Enter Tommy, R. H. 
Tom. Directly, sir. {Going., R. H.) 
Enter Coachman, R. H. 
Tom. Here's another ! 

Coach. Ah, Thomas ! my master, Sir Tomkyn 
Probe, has had an accident; the axletree's broke, and 
a wheel's come off, at Muddy Corner ; can 3-ou give 
us any help with the carriage ^. 
4*^ 



42 THE HAUNTED INN. 

Tom. It's fair day, there's nobody to spare. 

Coach, Miss Angelica is in a fine hobble, then. 

Capl. {Apart.) Angelica ! 

Coach. What am I to say to Sir Tomkyn ? 

Tom. The Sun and Whalebone is full. {Aside.) 
I don't want Sir Tomkyn here, poking his nose, and 
won't spend a farthing. 

Capt. Coachman, tell Sir Tomkyn here is an ex- 
cellent room, and Miss can wait till the carriage is re- 
paired. 

Coach. Do you i=ay so, Mr. Tadpole ? 

Tom,. No, no room, no. {Captain puis himself in a 
ghost altitude.) Ye«, yes, plenty of room. You'll 
drive me to despair, driving! driving! driving! Good, 
Coachman. [^Exit^ R. H. following Coachman. 

Capl. {To Corp.) Give the Frenchman the news- 
paper, 

Corp, {Crossing to Etiq.) Look at the paper, 
mounseer, till the chay comes. 

Etiq. Milles graces, Capitaine, I sal read the sheep 
news. {Reads.) 

Capt. His attention is occupied — so Miss Angelica 
is beautiful ? 

Corp, As a new pair of colors, and coming — 

Capt. She is coming here, 'sdeath, I must not be 
seen in this paltry dress. 

Corp. You have no other but the one on ray back. 

Capt. Then we must change suits again — but he'll 
not let you go out of his sight, ha ! ha ! ha ! you're his 
prisoner. 

Corp. Leave it to me, ril make the Frenchman 
stare, you shall buy the clothes of me. {Walks about 
in a mock melancholy mood.) I am going to jail ! I'm 
going to jail 1 Short commons, pray remember the poor 
debtors. 



THE HAUNTED INN. 43 

Etiq, Ah, oui, Mdnsieur, je sais bien fache, mais. 
I have taken your person. 

Corp. There I may rot in the straw, for money I 
have none. 

Etiq, Monsieur Capitaine. 

Corp. Tho' you call me Captain, yonder soldier is 
better off in the world than I am. {To Capt.) Hark'ye 
Corporal. 

Capt. Your honor I 

Corp. What cash have you ? 

Capt. I've a iQW sovereigns, your honor. 

Corp. I am without sixpence, and 1 am going post 
haste in a post chaise to jail I Have you a mind to buy 
my coat and waistcoat? {Taking off clothes.) 

Etiq. Pardon, Capitaine. you no part with all your 
habillements. 

Corp. Unfetling creditor, you arrested my person, 
you have nothing to do with my wearing apparel! it is 
my person only. 

Etiq. Ah, oui, ce'st vrai. 

Corp. Then it is my person only that you shall take 
to prison, I'll sell every thing I have got on me ; coat, 
hat, shirt, stockings, waistcoat, pantaloons, boots ; I'll 
have my head shaved — my hair's my own, you'll allow 
that — dare to touch a hair of my head, I'll go to jail in 
my birth-day suit, they shall say you've brought the 
young Apollo to prison, I'll tell them the naked truth. 

Etiq. Eh ! horreur I Mon cher. Monsieur s'il vous 
plait, I cannot convey my prisonnier into jail de po- 
side naked ! 

Capt. I'll buy all the clothes, your honor, {Aside.) 
and my friend Tommy shall pay for them. {Calls.) 
Tadpole ! 

I'um. {Without.) That everlasting Corporal. 

Capt. Leave all your customers, and come here 
this instant, or I'll acud for Justice Yewtree. 



44 THE HAUNTED INN, 

Enttr Tommy, R .H. 

Tom. Your ducks are down, they are indeed, upon 
my honor ! 

Capl. Your honor ! 

Tom, Eyes right ! and please to turn your military 
nose towards the kitchen and you'll smell as savoury 
a smell — 

Capt. Value this coat ; this gentleman and 1 are 
making a little sort of Monmouth street exchange here 
of our suits. 

Tom, (Aside) What is he going at now ? {They 
art re- dressing in their own suits.) 

Copt. Now, Tadpole, how much should I give for 
the suit, allowing for my jacket in return ? 

Tom. I'm no old clothesman. 

Capt. (Peremptorily.) Speak I 

Tom. Yes, about, about, about— 

Capt. About three pounds ten. 

Tom. I really can't say. 

Corp. I'll get a little more out of my master — eh ! 
I must have three pounds ten and a pot of porter. 
(Aside to Capt.) The last pair of cast oiF epauletts, 

Capt. (Aside.) The dog has me. 

Corp. (Aside to Capt.) A hot dinner every day 
next week. 

Capt, Agreed. 

Corp. A pound of best pig-tail to send to my father. 

Capt. Silence, now, Tommy, what's the value of 
the coat, &c. ? 

Tom. (Aside.) I'll work him now, a rascal. Three 
pounds ten ! the things are well worth five pounds ten I 
don't you sell them for loss than five pounds ten. 

Capt. A bargain. Tadpole, go to your till and 
lend me five pounds ten, I appoint you my cashier. 



THE HAUNTED INN. 45 

Tom. You're the wamplre that sucks people, pray, 
pray, let me out of the wortex. 

Capt. You have but one course, which is to obey, 

Tom. {Whimpering.^ Five pounds ten, oh my 
five pounds ten. 

Capt. {Looks off.) Who have we here ? 

Tom. {Sobbing.) Sir Tom. Tom, Tomkyn Probe 
and Miss Angeli-gelica — five pounds ten ! 

Capt. (Looks off.) Enchanting creature indeed. 
You said Sir Tomkyn was your landlord, he will doubt- 
less like to hear the ghost story. 

Tom. Hush ! you shall have the five pounds ten in 
a moment. Pra muddled with the two — which is the 
Corporal, which the Captain, the Captain's a Corpo- 
ral, the Corporal's a Captain, and both are swindlers 
— the five pounds ten directly. [Exit^ R. H. 

Capt. And I being myself again, will welcome Sir 
Tomkyn and his fair daughter, to the Sun and Whale- 
bone, 

Corporal sings dolefully. 

" It was L. A. W. law 

And the bailiff had set his claw." 

Enter Bluff, H. H. 

Etiq. Ha ! Bluff, ha 1 ha ! de French employe is 
de more clever, dan de Anglis bailiff voila. {Pointing 
to Corp.) Diguise as he will, ha ! ha I de prisonnier 
is in my custard. 

Bluff. Where? 

Etiq. There — there — voici. 

Bluff. I know Captain Levant's person well, you 
have got the wrong pig by the ear. 

Corp. I'd thank you to speak more respectfully, 
young man. Do 1 look like a sow ? Is this the figure 
or countenance of that lugubrious animal ? 



46 THE HAUNTED INN. 

Enler Jenny, R. H. Yes, it is. 

Corp. Eh ! 

Jenny. My own dear John Trot, after all. 

Corp. Jenny, Jenny Tuft. {Embrace.) 

Bluff. There, Mounseer, I said so. 

Etiq. Milles pardons ! Bluff, I am mistake, I have 
de suspicion he is dis vay, ve vil vash — ici. 

Bluff. Come along. [Extuni Eliq. k Bluff, R. H. 

Corp, Acd you thought I was killed, Jenny. 

Jenny. Ah ! yes, John, but you are alive. 

Corp. Yes, Jack's alive, alive and merry. 

Jenny. Ah, John ! they say I am going to be mar- 
ried. 

Corp. Never mind, Jenny, as long as they only 
say so. 

Jenny. What will Tommy do f 

Corp. Do ? do without, whoever he is. 

Enter Sir Tomktn, Angelica, & Captain, R. H. 
Ang. A ludicrous mistake indeed, Captain Levant. 

ToMMr is crossing from L. to R. 

Tom. By gosh, my landlord. 

Sir T. Ha! ha! and how ridiculous, that a creditor 
of yours, a Frenchman, has arrested your servant in- 
stead of yo;i. 

Tom. What's that ? I'll ^ei rid of him, the French- 
man here and the bum bailiff— hurrah for the condemn- 
ed hole. [Exit.R.H. 

Capl. This is the last of my acts of folly, and 
should the fair Angelica— should she condescend. 

Re-enter Tommy, with EriauETTE and Bluff, jR. 
Tom. {To Bluff.) That's the man. What do I see, 



THE HAUiNTED INN. 47 

consternation I there's Jenny sitting on a sojer's knee 
pan. [ExU, L. IJ. 

Bluff. You are raj prisoner, Captain, ai the suit of 
Eat-a-cat & Bijew, goldsmiths and watchmakers. 

Avg. Arrested ! 

Capt. Miss Angelica, do not utterly condemn me 
—Farewell, my folly is bitterly punished. 

(^Enier Coachman^ R. H, with a Utter.) A letter for 
Captain Levant, Sir. [Exit., R. H. 

Capt, From Newmarket, Nicks has kept his pro- 
mise, and this will decide my fate. {Reads.) "Dear 
Captain, the three year old filly, upon which you took 
the long odds, came in first, beating the field hollow.'' 
Glorious, 1 win £8,0C0. Sir Tomkyn, hear me most 
solemnly renounce gaming in every shape. 

Enter Tommy, L. H. 

Sir T, I congratulate you. Captain, on recovering 
the money you have lost : if you are firm in your de- 
termination not again to risk it. 

Tom. {To Etiq.) Be off with him, the chaise is 
come, no cart horses, real good ones to go. 

Capt. {To Etiq.) Draw oiFyour bull dog. 

Etiq. Ah, oui— adieu, Mademoiselle et Messieurs 
venez — come, Monsieur Bluff. 

Exeunt ETiauEXTE and Bluff, R, H. 

Tom. That French spooney has gone without him. 

Sir T. {To Tom.) Hark'ye, sirrah I what is the 
report about this inn of mine being haunted ? 

Turn, {..iside.) The Corporal Captain has let the 
cat out of the bag. {Falls on his knees.) Oh, Sir 
Tomkyn, temptation fell io my way to detract me 



48 THE HAUNTED INN. 

from the paths of virtue and innocence, love did sum- 
mut, love of liquor more. 

Corp. (Wilhoiil.) Where^s my master. (Enters 
with Jenny.) I'll tell the Captain the whole affair, oh, 
the nobs again. 

Sir T. Ah, my non-commissioned son-in-law, ha ! 
ha! ha! 

Corp. I have now slipped into my own skin, and 
can again stand at ease — Captain, you have often 
hpard me sigh for one Jenny Tuft, have I your permis- 
sion to make her Mrs. Corporal John Trot. 

Tom. No, she's to be Mrs. Tommy Tadpole, ain't 
you, Jenny ? 

Jenny. Why, Tommy, necessity had almost made 
me marry you, but here is my first, my only love. 

Tom. There goes my money, my roast ducks, my 
boil'd fowls, and my wife. 

Capt. I will refund all but Jenny Tuft. 
Jenny. Thank you, Sir. 

Capt. (Takes Angelica'^s hand.') I am the happiest 
creature alive. {To Tom.) Confess yourself the happiest 
creature alive. 

Tom. (Mournfully.) I am the happiest creature 
alive. 

Capt. Happy ! we will all be happy, you shall con- 
fess your imposture to your uncle and aunt, we will 
make the hamlet merry with the tale, and surrounded 
by friendly faces and cheerful smiles, anticipate many 
re-appearances of the Ghost at the Haunted Inn. 

THE EJVD. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




